


I hope you're still here when I wake up (even after you're long gone)

by LostMyself



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Episode Tag: s05e12 Safe House, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I'd like to write a fix-it but it's actually a destroy-it, Injury Recovery, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-07-03
Packaged: 2019-05-21 08:39:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14912105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyself/pseuds/LostMyself
Summary: “I would rather let you divorce me, Kevin, than see you get shot because I could not save you within the confinements of a library.”





	1. Dusk

Raymond is sitting at the dining table; his gaze turns to the empty space before him far too often. Kevin isn't there, hasn't been for the last two months and Holt's heart threatens to break at the thought of the love of his life never being there again.

_Well, you may not have a husband when all of this is over._

He wishes Kevin would be less adamant. The only thing Raymond wanted was for Kevin to stay safe and alive within the safe house, away from Seamus' reach. Perhaps it was not the best decision to let Kevin live with Peralta instead of himself for such a long period of time.

Although it would destroy him, Raymond Holt would rather see Kevin divorce him than lay six feet underneath the ground.

 _Kevin should understand that,_ Raymond thinks and, quite irrationally, decides to tell his husband just that.

Cheddar whines at his feet in an act of what could be considered rebellion as Holt rises from the dining table. Raymond has always been against spoiling Kevin's – _their –_ dog, but today his abandoned dinner finds itself in Cheddar's bowl against his better judgment.

Captain Holt takes his jacket and puts on Kevin's rose shearing hat – a disguise, even if rather obvious, was necessary. He slides on his glasses, the ones that his husband chose for him, and heads for the door.

When Raymond leaves his house, it is raining. He doesn't bother to take an umbrella and decides to take Kevin's – _their_ – car. Rain drops splash against the windows as he sits patiently in Gertie and listens to nothing but his breathing. Moments later, he wipes his glasses and starts the car.

The blinds are drawn when Holt reaches the house, there are no lights, nor any movement. A quick perimeter sweep indicates no danger and Raymond dares to walk up to the doorstep.

Raymond hesitates. Rain is dripping down his face and he begins to feel rather uncomfortable and cold, but he still hesitates to knock and face not only Peralta but his husband, as well. His miserable, uncertain husband.

Holt orders himself to control his train of thoughts. Nothing is certain; he will worry when the problem reaches him. It may drive him insane otherwise.

When Raymond Holt knocks ( _at last_ ), Peralta's pistol is there to greet him. “Oh hey Captain!” Jake says, withdrawing his gun with an air of awkwardness. “Thought you weren't coming 'till tomorrow?.. Is everything alright? Seamus' –”

“No, detective, there has been no sign of him or his men. I am here for a completely different reason.”

Raymond takes around the house; Kevin is nowhere to be seen. He briefly wonders if his husband is sleeping.

Jake looks perplexed, eyes red from the lack of sleep. “Why are you here, sir?”

“I would like to see my _husband_.”

There's a slight indication of movement in the bedroom. Raymond feels uneasy until Kevin's face appears in the doorstep. “What do you want, Raymond?”

Kevin stands in his dark pajamas, his usually immaculate hair is now disheveled from lying in bed. Raymond notices that his eyes are dull, but nothing in them displays the signs of recent sleeping. Neither his husband, nor Holt himself move, but Raymond does not try to withhold his gaze as Kevin seems interested in the dripping of rain from his face.

“I would rather let you divorce me, Kevin, than see you get shot because I could not save you within the confinements of a library.”

Silence falls on the room for a few moments. Kevin still avoids his eyes.

“Okay... I'm gonna leave you two alone!” Jake exclaims and begins backing away into the living room.

“There is no need, Peralta. I informed my husband of what I believe is necessary for him to know. Goodnight.” Raymond looks into Kevin's gray eyes and leaves the safe house without turning back.

If Holt had turned around, he may have seen the apparent hurt and confusion in his husband's gaze.

* * *

Kevin finds himself staring at the closed door of the safe house. Raymond may have just given him a reason to suffer through a lot more that the whole collection of Nicolas Cage filmography. He came through the rain and thunder to say a single sentence that could affect their already unstable relationship even more. The act itself begs of Kevin to consider not choosing library over his own life.

“Jacob, I am going to go to bed, if you will excuse me.”

The detective seems confused for a moment, his gaze as distant as his own has been. “Yeah, sure... No problem.”

Kevin feels Jake's eyes on his back the entire time of reaching the bedroom. The man looked rather affected by the whole situation, perhaps even more than Kevin is himself at the moment.

When he lies onto the bed, Kevin observes how the moonlight soaks into the sheets and feels his heart racing in his chest. Raymond is not beside him, has not been here for God knows how long and may never be again. And Kevin misses him more than when they were separated by the witness protection or France, even. Those months never truly did threaten their happiness, their marriage as much as these few weeks.

The golden ring shines on his finger and Kevin brings himself to take it off, at last.

_Per Aspera Ad Astra, Raymond Jacob Holt._

The inscription is still as visible as the day of their marriage. A smile threatens to find its way onto Kevin's face as he remembers Raymond's officiant/efficient quip. His husband ( _as Kevin has always been proud to call him)_ could always brighten his mood, even now, when the whole world tries and succeeds in keeping them apart.

Kevin puts the ring back on and with a final glance at the empty place beside him decides to close his eyes.

He hopes – _knows –_ that Raymond is worth more that a few months in isolation and misery.

Their _love_ is worth more than that.

* * *

Kevin spends most of his morning lying on the floor in the middle of the living room and, surprisingly, does not feel as if the world has come to an end. Although it may be because he cannot get his mind off of his husband. What if this is the end of their life together?

What if they have never been meant to be together?

Against all odds they found each other in a world of discrimination, prejudice and injustice. But perhaps their story never had a happy ending.

Kevin lays a hand over his sore eyes and hears Jake cursing as he drops the box of Nicolas Cage movies.

“So... _Gone in sixty minutes_ or _Face-off_?” Jake smiles in suggestion, but Kevin notices the lack of shine in his eyes. Perhaps they have spent too much time in each other's company. “Maybe National Treasure? No?”

“No, Jacob.”

Peralta makes a face at him, “Oh no... You said Jacob... That sounds bad.”

“We have seen every single one of Nicolas Cage movies. I am _sick_ of his face.” Kevin manages to stifle his frustrated sigh. “I am terribly sorry for directing my anger at you, Jake.”

“It's okay. I miss Amy too. No that you miss Amy! I mean... I miss my girlfriend and you miss Captain Holt.” Jake runs a hand over his head and Kevin interprets it as a sign of weariness. “I just want everything to be over before the oranges rot.”

“The oranges?” _Oh._ Kevin is suddenly reminded of his and Raymond's fight. “Indeed,” he adds as an afterthought. “Perhaps Amy is a better partner than I am a husband.”

“Are you kidding me?!” Jake's eyebrows rise in astonishment. “You're like relationship goals!” At Kevin's blank expression Jake throws his hands in the air. “Well... a great relationship, you know? Something me and Amy want to have.”

“Something Amy _and I_ want to have.”

Peralta gasps in accusation. “Wait, Ames' cheating on me with you?! What about Holt? Is that why you wanted a divorce?” Kevin shoots him a sharp look in answer, finally rising his head from the floor. “Oh. OH!”

“You behave like such a daft adolescent sometimes.”

“Yeah, yeah. You could just say dumb teen, you know. We all know you have an advanced vocab installed, no need to show off.”

“Installed? I would prefer if you would stop insisting that Raymond and I are robots.”

Jake grins at him. “Raymond and me.”

Kevin closes his eyes; it feels as if a headache is beginning to hammer his brain. “No, Jacob. It is not.”

A few moments pass in silence. Jake holds the box of movies against his chest and scratches his head. He coughs as if to get Kevin's attention, but his voice betrays that he is nervous. “Is everything alright?”

“No, my life is slipping through my fingers and into an abyss of depression.”

“Whoa.” Jake hesitates to continue. “Um... So, you could say that your happiness was... _gone_ in sixty seconds?”

Kevin wishes not for the first time that he could leave the safe house without coming back. “I thought that a relationship with Amy would help you mature.”

Peralta looks focused, serious, even. “It did. Being with her helped me organize my life. But now that I haven't seen her in such a long time...”

Perhaps being in the safe house, away from the whole world has affected Jake as much as it has Kevin. But the relationship between Amy and Jake is as strong as ever, it seems.

“I would like to go to the precinct,” Kevin says in answer. “You shall see Amy and I... will face Raymond.”

Jake looks as surprised as if he just learned that _Die hard_ was not the 'best movie in the whole world', as he puts it. Kevin agrees that it is a very amusing look.

“Oh my, Kev... Who's turned you to the dark side?!” Jake is ready to explode with emotions, it seems.

“Don't, Jake. No more references of popular culture.”

If he is disappointed, Peralta doesn't show it. “I might – _will –_ regret it, but let's do it, before I think of the consequences... such as Captain Holt being disappointed in me!”

* * *

They disguise as police officers; Kevin has expressed his disdain at least a dozen times, if Jake counted correctly. Maybe not, since he's _very_ bad at maths.

“I will never forget this, Jacob,” he hears Kevin say for the fifth time.

Jake puts on his hat and sunglasses, straightening his mustache. “As I've told you before, you'll sing a different note when you get to the precinct with your brain inside your head.”

Kevin shoots him a look of disgust and puts on his own mustache. It feels _very_ uncomfortable, as if he's going to lose his dignity any given moment, but Peralta looks satisfied with their camouflage.

When they leave the safe house, Jake does a thorough perimeter sweep and when there's no danger, they get into a cab. It _could_ seem strange that cops catch a taxi, but Jake has reassured Kevin that his acting skills will get them out of any situation. Kevin has a reason to not believe him; he has seen Jake's Nicolas Cage impression fifty six times and it was _not_ convincing.

“Anyway, Holt's in a meeting right now, so we'll be able to avoid him for a like an hour. You could go to the library, if you want.”

Kevin considers the option with great efficiency, but his conscience will not let him go anywhere besides the 99th precinct. “Thank you for the offer, but this orange will not get shot today.”

Jake's look of astonishment and a string of incoherent words makes the driver increase the volume of the radio.

 _This orange will not get shot for the love of his life,_ Kevin thinks and wishes Jake wouldn't influence him as much.

* * *

When the doors of the elevator open, Charles is the first one to see them.

“Jakey?!” Charles lets out a scream of excitement. Kevin truly believes that detective Boyle is a dog.

Charles almost jumps onto Peralta with what seems like tears in his eyes. “Oh how I've missed you!”

Terry and Rosa greet them next and Kevin hears her congratulations on ' _escaping the tyranny of Captain kill-joy';_ he might as well accept them.

Kevin stands awkwardly in the corner while they speak, and then Jake sees Amy. In a flash of hurry Jacob is in her arms, like a love-sick puppy. Perhaps he and Boyle were not that different, after all.

“Oh Ames, you won't _believe_ what it took me to get here – ”

Amy shushes him silent, pointing at Kevin. “What are you two doing here?!” Panic is as clear as crystal on her face, but Jake only smiles in return. “Captain Holt is _here._ Why would you bring him?! He will _so_ fire you. And me. Oh my god, what if he _does_ fire me?!”

Jake is in panic as well, since the doors of Holt's office are about to open. He quickly ushers Kevin to sit at one of the desks, a hat covering his face.

“If you think that he will not understand – ”

Kevin is cut off by Peralta's finger sliding against his own throat and his husband leaving his office. He does not dare raise his eyes from the computer screen he is at, his heart jumping in his chest. _This is Jake's worst idea yet._

“Why is no one working?” Raymond questions in a tone that send a shiver down Kevin's spine. “ _Get_ _back to work._ ”

When Kevin finally dares to raise his gaze, he is greeted by his husband's retreating back as he walks to leave the precinct. Peralta is nowhere in sight, but Amy is sitting rather tense at her desk.

“Yes sir,” she says in answer. “We were just um... talking about how we should um – work... harder?”

“Great,” Holt throws over his shoulder, stepping into the elevator. “I expect a raise in the percentage of cases solved at the end of this month.”

With that Raymond is gone. Kevin breathes a bit lighter, but what if he has seen the video feeds of the safe house?

“Amy, dammit! Did you really have to say that?!” Jake exclaims from under her desk.

“I panicked! I didn't know what else to say and a pause between words would have seemed suspicious!”

“You always act awkward around him, it wouldn't be that suspicious,” Rosa says.

Amy scoffs in disagreement, but closes her mouth at Rosa's gaze and sighs.

“Could we hurry up, Jacob?” Kevin asks as he stands from his desk. “I have changed my mind.”

“Really, Kev? I was _just_ beginning to feel at peace again!”

“Maybe you really should go, Jake. Holt might watch the video feed and notice you're missing.”

Kevin has always liked Amy.

The elevator dings and they all turn to its general direction. _Oh no_ , Kevin thinks.

“I have forgotten my – ” Raymond begins but stops dead in his tracks. “Kevin.”

The disappointment and anger in his voice is noticeable to anyone who might be listening.

“Heyyy, Captain!” Peralta tries. “Surprise?”

Raymond walks straight past them, without giving him a second glance. “My office, _now_.”

* * *

“I am disappointed and enraged,” he says, but his eyes shine with betrayal to those who can notice it.

“Clearly,” Jake says with a smile. “Since you've scolded us so badly, we're just gonna go back to the safe house. Bye!”

Raymond looks him in the eyes and Peralta immediately sits down on the couch. “Detective, I _did not_ expect such a foolish act from you. Did you not hear what I said? Murphy is trying to _hunt_ my husband down and you decide to wander through Brooklyn in an obvious disguise.”

“It was _not_ obvious, Raymond and you should not blame Jake as I am the initiator of the whole affair.” Kevin's hands clench into fists by his sides and he throws the hat onto his husband's desk. “I _was_ foolish enough to think that I could save our marriage. Goodbye, Raymond.”

Raymond is left to look at his retreating back as Kevin storms out of the office, leaving a ready to faint Peralta behind. Captain rounds the table, pushes past Jake and flees after his husband.

“You are being irrational, Kevin,” he says, catching his arm. “I will _not_ let you die because of your stubbornness.”

Before Kevin can react, silver flashes before his eyes and he finds himself handcuffed to Raymond Holt. Perhaps Jake has too much influence on Holt's actions.

The silence in the precinct is loud in both of their ears as they look each other in the eyes.

“Oh. My. GOD!” someone exclaims and Holt begins regretting his decision.

“ _I_ am being irrational?” Kevin clenches his jaw and tries to take the key. “Release me right now, Captain, or I will – ”

“You will do what, Kevin? Get yourself shot?” Kevin stays silent. “I thought so.”

“Captain – ”

Holt almost drags Kevin back into his office. “Not now, Santiago. Gina, cancel my meetings for the day,” he says before ushering Peralta out of his way and closing the door.

Raymond draws the blinds shut, sits down on the couch and Kevin is forced to sit with him. “You are behaving like a child,” Kevin says, crossing his arms and pulling his husband to him; perhaps he will succeed in annoying Raymond into releasing him.

“ _I_ am? I am only trying to protect _you_ , the love of my life.”

Kevin pauses for a moment.

“Am I really?” he asks, at last. “Do you consider me to be the love of your life? If you did, you would let me go.”

Kevin can sense Raymond's anger from the tenseness of his shoulders. His jaw locks as Holt takes a deep breath and turns his gaze towards Kevin.

“Do not try to manipulate me, Kevin. If you'll want to, I will release you after the night falls and you'll be able to go wherever you want.”

Kevin nods as Raymond takes off the handcuffs. “I _will_ go wherever I want, Raymond.”

“And take that ridiculous mustache off.”

* * *

“Do you think they're going at it right now?”

“Ew, Gina. What the hell?!”

“Maybe the whole handcuffs thing is a huge turn on for Holt, ya know? And Kevin is still wearing that uniform.”

“That's enough, Gina, Captain Holt's personal life is none of our business!”

“Just sayin', guys.”

* * *

Holt released him as promised, at exactly nine in the evening. No one had gone home yet, the precinct was still lively with chatter. Charles' mumbling about Jake, in fact. It annoyed Kevin more than he would admit.

Peralta was given the duty to take Kevin home and now they sit in a cop car, silence loud in his ears.

“So... Where will you go?” Jake asks, but his eyes dart around the car. “Perhaps Hawaii?”

“You can stop lying to me, Jacob. I know you are taking me back to the safe house.”

Kevin looks out of the window as they drive past Raymond's favorite restaurant. They haven't been there in a long time.

“Whaaaaat?” Jake tries to act surprised at Kevin's revelation. He fails miserably. “We're definitely _not_ going back to the safe house!” At the professors hard gaze Peralta drops his awkward smile. “Yeah, fine. Captain told me to get you to safety or he will 'murder me and everyone I love'. Now that I think about it, he'd have to kill himself too – anyway, sorry.”

Kevin nods in his general direction and continues gazing out of the window.

“How'd you know I wasn't taking you home?” Jake asks as they stop at a red light. “And aren't you angry with Captain?”

“No, I'm not angry; I would do the same thing in his situation. And when he promised to let me go wherever I may want, he used – ”

“Abbreviations,” Jake interrupts. “Sorry.”

Kevin's head snaps to look at Peralta and his eyes narrow on their own accord. “Wait, how do _you_ know that? You can't be that good of a detective, surely.”

“Hey!” Jake turns to look at him in return. “I'll have you know that I'm the best detective in the world, thanks very much. But yeah, found out during the whole Captain's poker craze. Never would've guessed it.”

“His _what?_ ”

Jake's eyes widen and he bites his tongue. “I thought you _knew._ I'm so sorry!”

Kevin smiles a true, genuine smile. “I was, as the kids say, messing with you, Jake. Raymond told me everything about that when I called to ask about the missing money from our bank account.”

Jake sighs, but doesn't say anything else.

They drive in silence for a while, until Peralta's phone begins ringing a horrific rendition of _Die hard's_ soundtrack.

“Detective Jake Peralta, at your service,” he answers, putting the call on speaker, much to Kevin's dismay.

“Have you arrived at the safe house yet?” Holt's monotone voice asks.

“No, but we're nearly there, I can see the house now.”

“Turn around immediately.”

“What, why?” Jake hits the breaks and makes a quick u-turn. No signals, Kevin notices. “What's happening?”

“A source has informed us about an ambush at the safe house. Drive back to the precinct.”

“Jake – ” Kevin begins, but is interrupted by his nod.

“I see it. Captain, there's a car following us.”

Raymond pauses for a moment and Kevin wishes he had never left the precinct without his husband. “Head for the corner of 4th and Atlantic avenues. We are on our way.”

The call ends and Kevin finally feels as if his life is in real danger.

* * *

“Squad, detective Peralta and Dr Kevin Cozner have been tracked by Murphy and are currently trying to avoid them,” Holt announces, putting on his NYPD jacket. “We leave _now_.”

He hears Charles squeal in fear as he heads for the elevator and is soon followed by his team.

Raymond Holt wishes that Kevin never would have left the precinct.

* * *

The black jeep is still hot on their trail as they turn for the 4th avenue and Jake doesn't know what to do. Should he race across the city and try to get them lost? The squad will not be there yet if he continues at a speed like this.

Jake doesn't get to decide as the car following rams them in the back. He hears Kevin choke out a breath of surprise and decides to floor it. They race in the streets of Brooklyn and Jake decides to call Amy to alert of the change of plans.

“C'mon, pick up, Ames!” Jake slams the steering wheel in frustration and throws the phone to Kevin as the jeep begins closing in on them. “Tell her we're near the Prospect park and to hurry!”

 _Pick up, please,_ Jake wishes as he barely avoids colliding with another car.

Kevin jolts at Peralta's commanding voice, but puts the phone to his ear. “Good evening, Amy, this is Dr Kevin – ”

Jake wants to scream in frustration. “She knows, Kevin!”

“There has been a change of plans,” the professor continues and Jake shoots him a grateful glance. “We are being pursued by a black jeep and it is trying to run us off of the road. We are near the Prospect – ”

Jake only hears the loud wail of a siren, shattering glass and a complete darkness surrounds him.

* * *

The sirens wail in his ears as they fly through the streets of Brooklyn, blue light bright in the darkness of the night. Amy almost jumps from her seat beside him as Jake's name flashes across the screen of her phone.

“Well, pick it up, Amy, maybe he's in danger!” Charles kicks her seat from behind. “C'mon!”

Raymond notices Santiago rolling her eyes, but decides to concentrate on the road. _What if Kevin is in danger?_ His heart hammers in his chest.

“Jake? Is everything alright?” Amy asks, putting him on speaker. “Where are you?”

“ _Good evening, Amy, this is Dr Kevin – ”_ Raymond breathes in relief and hears Jake shout in frustration.

“Where are you, Kevin?” he manages to ask before Amy cuts him off.

“ _There has been a change of plans. We are being pursued by a black jeep and it is trying to run us off of the road. We are near the Prospect – ”_

The squad hears a loud bang and the call ends.

In the midst of panic, Holt pushes the pedal until the car flies across the streets of Brooklyn.

_Hold on._

* * *

Kevin regains his consciousness as they drag him across the street. He turns his head in search for Peralta, but there's nothing indicating they took him as well. His arms are sore from the grip of the two men who carry him, but it seems the crash has left him overall uninjured.

They drop him on the ground in the depths of the park. It's dark, there's no one around, only Kevin, Murphy and four of his men. He remains seated on the grass in silent protest.

“So, _professor,_ your husband isn't here to save you, is he?” Murphy asks.

Kevin doesn't understand what he is trying to convey until the sound of sirens reaches him from the street. Seamus Murphy pulls out his gun and forces Kevin onto his knees.

“Hands behind your head, Dr Cozner.”

Murphy raises his gun.

* * *

Scraps of metal lie on the street; it shines under the blue light of the siren and Holt closes his eyes. They have crashed. The car is in pieces, there's nothing left of the front. Fluid is leaking, seeping into the asphalt; it may as well be their blood.

The squad is out of the car in an instant, but Holt stays behind, clutching the steering wheel in silence. Terry manages to pull Jake out of the mangled metal; he is not conscious. Raymond hopes he is breathing.

“ _Captain!”_ Was it Amy calling him? Raymond truly does not understand.

He steps out of the car and sees Peralta awaking. There's a number of cuts and bruises on his face; his ribcage is clearly fractured, but he still manages to point at the park.

“I'm fine, Ames... They took Kevin,” he mutters as Charles helps him stand. “Into – into the park.”

Raymond feels relieved for a moment – _Kevin did not suffer from the car crash_ – until the words sink in. _They have Kevin._

Holt pulls out his weapon. “Peralta, stay here and request for back-up.” Not letting him interrupt, he continues. “Boyle and Santiago will go to the east. Rosa, Terry – west. I will take the north. Clear?”

“Yes, sir!”

They divide into the assigned units and race through the park against time. Raymond feels completely alone, surrounded by trees only; he hears the beating of his own heart. A flashlight shines through the leaves in the distance to his right and he is reassured that his team is beside him.

It is too dark to make anything under the pale moonlight and Raymond does not dare to use his flashlight. He knows they're close; he slows his pace and informs others.

Raymond's quickened breath catches in his throat momentarily as gunshots echo in his ears. There's no certain direction of where he should head towards and he is left stranded in the park with no indications of whether his squad is anywhere near.

The heartbeat is growing stronger in his chest as his eyes search for any clues for where his husband is.

 _There._ To his left, a flashlight briefly shines.

Raymond only remembers the sound of branches breaking underneath his shoes as he runs through the park. As he nears his destination, the sound of talking grows louder and Holt is able to recognize the voices.

_Peralta._

Jake is standing with his hands in the air as Murphy points a gun at his husband. Kevin's arms are behind his head, he's kneeling on the hard ground near Seamus. Raymond feels his throat clench in response to his inability to see if his husband is injured in the darkness of the night. Kevin is conscious, at least.

The rest of his squad, along with Murphy's men, isn't there.

A plead leaves Peralta's mouth and then there's only the sound of Murphy cocking his gun and Jake shouting in alarm as Kevin closes his eyes and Raymond breaks into a sprint from his hideout.

His eyes focus on Murphy's fingers as he pulls the trigger and a shot rings loud in his ears. Raymond tackles Seamus to the ground and tries to wrestle the gun from him, but his effort is met with Murphy's fist connecting with his face.

A groan escapes him as he is forced onto his back. He reaches once again for Murphy but his husband is quicker this time and knocks him out with an accurate hit in the throat.

Raymond remains kneeling on the terrain, the sound of gunshot still ringing in his head. He doesn't hear what Jake is saying as he handcuffs Murphy and pats Holt on the back.

“Kevin?” Raymond only asks, his erratic breathing stilling again. “There is... blood on your face.”

His husband rubs his ear in discomfort but smiles all the same.

“I'm alright, Raymond, it's not mine.”

“Good job, _lord of war_!” Holt hears Jake say as if through a fog. “Awesome throat punch!”

Raymond stares at his husband's outstretched arm towards him and a shiver runs down his spine. Kevin's concerned look at his hesitation is all he can see as Diaz and Santiago join them at last, Jeffords and Boyle following after. They drag Murphy's men alongside them.

The momentary distraction as the squad is back together is used by Holt to grab his husband's hand and rise to his full height as his hearing begins clearing.

Quite unfortunately, he stumbles and Kevin is there to catch him.

The aftershocks of the bullet tearing through his flesh work through his system and Raymond is suddenly out of breath. There's a tight, burning sensation in his shoulder; blood is flowing freely down his chest and his shirt is being soaked through. Shock is clear in his husband’s eyes as he uncertainly grips him tighter.

“Ray?” he asks at the same time as someone screams ' _Captain_!'

“I believe...” he tries as Kevin lowers both of them to their knees. “I have been... shot.”

“Ray...” his husband trails off and Raymond closes his eyes for a moment, bracing against the flashlight directed at them.

Captain Holt is not ready to hear the fear in his husband’s voice. On his knees, with only trees surrounding them, he grips at Kevin's neck and tries to breathe in. His husband tries to coax answers from him, but Holt can't concentrate enough.

“I am sorry,” he says instead, avoiding anything Kevin may want to say. “I am glad you are well.”

Raymond's sight is slightly out of focus as Kevin lays him in his lap and Amy pulls off his jacket. _I should have trusted you_ , he wants to say, but there's no breath within him left.

“Officer down!” Terry shouts into the radio and Holt finally understands the seriousness of the situation. He may never see his husband again.

As Peralta's fingers loosen his tie, Santiago throws his bullet proof vest aside and rips open his shirt, buttons flying onto the grass. It was his favorite shirt, badges shimmering in the midst of chaos. He wishes he could rise from Kevin’s lap, but Amy's hand is firm on his shoulder, attempting to slow the blood flow with his own NYPD jacket. It doesn't seem to work.

Raymond feels Kevin tremble as he understands it, as well.

Kevin's face hovers above him, next to the starry sky and Holt feels serenity surround him. He once again grips the back of his husband’s neck as Diaz helps Santiago put pressure onto his shoulder. Kevin's hand lies on top of his; it stops the shaking of his own. Kevin's hair is disheveled and damp with sweat as Raymond runs his fingers through it. He only wishes he could avoid his gaze.

“It isn't working...” Amy whispers with wide eyes and Terrance is there to take over. Raymond notices how Jake wraps his arms around her and feels himself growing numb.

He wants to point out the fact that it's the _subclavian_ artery and that the chances of him surviving are dropping lower by the minute. He wants to point out the fact that he is dying. However, the subconscious part of him decides to grip his husband's arm. “You _are_ the love of my life,” he says instead.

“You're not going to die, Raymond,” Kevin argues and, as he begins drifting off, squeezes his hand. “Don't close your eyes, dear.” Raymond isn't trying to. “Would you be so kind as to remind me the names of orchids? I seem to have forgotten.”

Raymond looks into his eyes, dark and empty. “Forgive me for not having enough regard for your psychological state.”

“Orchids, Raymond,” his husband repeats. Perhaps Holt only imagined the word _please_ falling from his lips.

His hearing is worsening by the moment; Raymond doesn't manage to hear what Santiago or Peralta are screaming at him, nor does he make out his husband's silent plea. He manages three names before he cannot breathe anymore and blood is all he can see; nails dig into his chest, fingers soaked in crimson, dripping for what seems an eternity.

Raymond runs his fingers through Kevin's hair once again as his sight gradually diminishes. The last thing he feels is his husbands tightening embrace and Santiago shaking his shoulder.

The last thing Captain Raymond hears is the distant sound of sirens.

* * *

They deny him the right to go with his husband to the emergency room; he can only stand behind the glass door. He manages to don the given white coat onto his shoulders; Kevin can’t feel the weight of it, only the heaviness of Raymond's blood. His hands are still quivering as he is forced to watch the doctors try to stop his husband from bleeding to death.

The constant beeping of the machine is changed by a continuous one. Kevin is only able to stare through the glass as a man tries to revive Raymond’s heart. His husband’s wedding ring catches his eye as drops of blood stream down his arm.

Kevin turns away from the sight of his husband’s lifeless body. His sight is a blur as he passes rows of white walls and faceless people.

He can't _breathe._

Somehow, Kevin finds himself standing outside of the hospital, gripping railings of a staircase until his knuckles are as white as the walls of the building. He loosens his shirt collar; the burning sensation in the back of his throat is taking away his ability to think. Raymond's jacket weighs down on his shoulders as he tries to catch his breath.

Eventually, his husband’s squad is there. They’re asking questions that Kevin doesn’t have an answer to. Someone wraps their arms around him and he can’t bring himself to push them away.

_He is never going to see his husband alive._

The cold doesn't affect him in the middle of the night. Kevin doesn't notice he is crying either until the sight of tears splattering on someone’s jacket reaches him from under the haze of grief. His fingers cling tighter as he allows himself to be angry at the world for taking his Raymond.


	2. Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath.

A nurse tells them that they have managed to stabilize Raymond. However, she added that the chances of him surviving the surgery are low because of the punctured artery. He should be glad that Raymond even survived this long in his condition.

The squad is already in the waiting room. Amy is comforting Jake, her arms wrapped around him in a tight embrace; he has not checked his ribs yet, it seems. Rosa is lounging on the sofa next to Terry, who's mumbling something into his phone; their shoulders are tense, eyes blank.

Kevin has never been more grateful to see them.

Their heads rise in unison as he coughs to announce his presence. “He's in surgery,” Kevin says and falls onto one of the chairs. They tell him that Charles has gone back to the precinct with their back-up and should return soon. In answer, Kevin advices Peralta to get medical assistance for his fractures. Amy supports him; they both leave the private waiting room with a promise to come back as soon as possible.

They wait in silence.

His golden wedding ring is the only thing Kevin sees then, his fingers digging into the rails of his chair. How could it go so wrong so quickly? He never meant for his Raymond to get hurt instead of himself, and now the love of his life is lying on a surgery table.

Kevin can't bring himself to call Raymond's mother, nor sister. He knows they should be informed, but his hands are numb at his sides.

Later, when his hands stop shaking and his eyes begin burning from the bright lights of the hospital, Kevin decides to wash the blood off of himself. Raymond's blood.

The bathroom is dim as his fingers soak under the cold water. Kevin gazes at the washed out red in the sink and closes his eyes for a moment as the room spins around him.

The doors open silently and Kevin raises his head to meet Rosa's gaze.

“Kevin,” she says as if stating a fact. “I thought I'd check up on you.”

“Thank you, Rosa.” He nods, turning off the stream of water. “How are – ”

“He's going to be fine, you know,” she interrupts. “He won't give up that easily.”

Kevin stays silent as he turns towards her. There are tears in her eyes.

He didn't grasp before that Raymond is as important to them as he is to him. He's their leader, their father figure – everything he wished he could be since rolling into the police academy. His squad is affected greatly by his injury and Kevin feels insensitive for not noticing it under his grief.

“Of course,” he says and smiles, at last. “I know how much you care about him. He isn't going to give up this relationship.”

Rosa nods, wipes her eyes and Kevin pretends he doesn't see it.

* * *

Kevin expected to be greeted by the continuous depressed mood of the squad.

What Kevin did not expect is for Jake Peralta to run straight at him with open arms.

He braces himself as the detective throws his limbs around him and almost throws him off balance. “Jacob – ” he tries, his heart racing.

“He's alive,” Jake mumbles and Kevin feels his heart lighten at his words. “He made it!”

Kevin smiles at him and looks around the room; everyone has lost the gloom and sadness in their eyes. As Peralta finally decides to let go of him with a final squeeze, Kevin finds himself able to breathe once again, as well.

“Can I see him?”

“For sure, Kev. The doctor said he's sleeping,” Peralta answers with a grin. “We knew he wouldn't give up that easily.”

“Thank you,” Kevin manages, hoping his voice did not break. “All of you. For being here.”

The squad smiles in answer and Kevin feels as if they've finally earned a place in his heart.

* * *

Kevin takes a deep breath and pushes the door of the 618th room open.

Raymond is lying on the hospital bed, his expression peaceful as his eyes are closed. Kevin notices the paleness of his skin, even though the white sheets give a stark contrast. An IV is connected to his arm, fluid softly dropping in the silence of the room.

Kevin takes the chair to Raymond's left and decides to take his hand. It's warm to his touch and Kevin once again feels the burning sensation at the back of his throat.

“I'm glad you're alright, Raymond,” he says into the silence. “I hope you'll forgive me for this.”

It may be silly to talk to him, but the words had been at the back of his mind since the evening Raymond arrived at the safe house drenched in rain only to say a single sentence. He means every word and is glad to be able to tell it to his alive husband.

As Kevin entwines his fingers with Raymond's, his eyes begin to burn from the sudden loss of strength as the adrenaline wears off. He makes himself comfortable and is finally ready to sleep, never leaving his Raymond's side.

* * *

The first time Raymond Holt regains consciousness after almost bleeding out, he is only aware of the stinging pain paralyzing his shoulder. He seems under the haze of drugs as he cannot seem to think straight, but the ache is rather persistent. He opens his eyes slowly, blinks a few times while waiting for them to adjust to the light.

White ceiling spins above his dizzy head as Raymond registers the space around him. The grim hospital room is brightened by the sunlight that streams through the wide window and falls on his husband's peaceful face. Their hands are joined, the gold of their wedding rings shimmers before his gaze.

Raymond takes notice of Kevin's disheveled hair and the dark circles underneath his closed eyes as he begins losing his consciousness once again.

This time, Raymond falls into the land of morphine with an almost invisible, but genuine smile.

* * *

The second time Captain Holt wakes up, the exact moment his eyes opened he knew he was under the influence of pain relieving medicine. His shoulder does not seem to be in discomfort and he allows himself to gaze at his husband without making any indication he's awake.

Kevin looks still as tired as before, but the serenity in his eyes is bright as he types away at his phone. His NYPD jacket grabs Raymond's attention; it has dried blood all over the front of it, but Kevin still has it on his shoulders.

“Kevin,” Raymond tries, his voice hoarse and gravelly from dehydration; he sounds weak to his own ears. He tries to raise himself from the bed, but his husband's hand is now on his chest. “Kevin,” he repeats and doesn't know what to add.

His husband smiles at him and his hand touches Raymond's feverish skin. “Good morning, Ray,” he says, seemingly not taking notice of Holt's inability to speak. “How are you feeling?”

“Numb,” he says, lightly touching the bruise on his husband's cheek. “Are you injured? The squad – ?”

Kevin's smile turns cheerless as he covers Raymond's hand with his own. “I'm fine, a few cuts and bruises from the crash. Peralta has had his ribs checked, as well.”

His heart rate decreases back to normal as Raymond continues to fight through the effects of the medicine. “I am very tired,” he admits. “I am sorry.”

“It's fine, Raymond,” Kevin says, drawing circles on the back of his hand. “You need rest. Go back to sleep.”

Raymond nods as his eyes can't seem to focus on his husband's gaze. “Thank you,” he whispers and falls asleep with his hand on Kevin's cheek.

* * *

“Hey, Captain,” Jake greets him with one of his grins as Raymond awakes once again. “Sorry to wake you.”

“Where is Kevin?” Holt asks and takes the given glass of water.

“Amy and I forced him to go home so he could get some sleep... And a shower.”

Raymond almost smiles at the thought of Kevin being pushed through the door of his hospital room.

After a moment, Peralta's smile disappears and he shifts in his seat. “I know you've just woken up but I kinda wanted to talk to you about yesterday.”

Raymond doesn't say anything in answer.

“I'm sorry for not following your orders,” he admits, never meeting Raymond's eyes. “I should have stayed behind and called for back-up.”

“I have to admit that your course of actions had enraged me for a moment,” Raymond says as he remembers the helplessness he felt. “I thought your inability to follow orders would cost my husband's life.”

Jake finally raises his gaze to meet Raymond's. “Sorry, sir. You deserve more than a hot-headed detective.”

“Jacob,” he begins and forces the detective to meet his gaze once again. “You _are_ a hot-headed detective who could not follow an order. However, your inclination to trust your heart instead of reasoning has helped our precinct many times. I know you care for my husband and would let no harm come to him. It was a significant miscalculation on your part but we all make mistakes.”

“But you _saved me_ ,” Peralta says with what seems like tears in his eyes. His hands shake as he holds onto the armrests and bows his head. “I wanted to save Kevin so much I dived into the forest and found Murphy first. He had... he had his _gun_ pointed at Kevin's head. I dropped my weapon and almost _begged_ him to stop...”

“I know, Jake,” Raymond says. “However, the only thing Seamus wanted was revenge on me and he would never back down from destroying my life. I am glad you tried – ”

“No, you don't understand, sir,” Peralta interrupts. “After I asked him he turned his gun on me. You saved _me._ I could have been dead right now if you didn't decide to jump out of the bushes.”

Raymond pulls his gaze away from Jake and sighs as his thoughts come to a halt. There's silence in the hospital room as Holt forces himself to relive the seconds before he got shot. “I... I do not remember. I only saw the slight movement of his gun.” _There was an indication he was going to shoot Jake instead._

“Yeah, I know. Might regret it now, jumping the bullet for Jake Peralta.”

Holt turns his head back at him and shoots him a sharp gaze. “I would _never_ hesitate to protect one of our team members. You should know that I care about you, Jacob, and that I am ready to endanger my own life for your well-being.”

Jake clears his throat and wipes at his reddened eyes. “Oh, Captain... I love you, too.”

Holt feels a smile grow on his face as Peralta rises from his chair and embraces him, his fingers soft against Raymond's shoulder.

When he sits back in his chair, Jake is in a significantly better mood than before, Raymond notices.

“I would hate to lose one of my best detectives,” Raymond adds and Jake laughs, pure and genuine.

Moments later Jake runs a hand through his disheveled hair. “I also want you to know that I didn't take Kevin to the precinct because I was stir-crazy and wanted to see Amy. I... didn't want you guys to get divorced.

“I just... I've been around so many failed marriages in my life,” Jake continues. “You and Kevin became role-models for Amy and I... If you got divorced, it would mean that even perfect for each other people could fall out of love. What if Amy – ”

“Jake,” Raymond interrupts. “Our marriage is like any other. Whether you get divorced or not depends on your will to live through anything that comes your way with the person you love. Perhaps I _should_ have been more understanding of what Kevin was going through and it is the only thing I regret about this whole ordeal.”

“Yeah, sorry again. And thanks. A lot,” Jake says. “It really _was_ necessary for me to hear.”

Holt clears his throat despite himself as he feels a certain gnawing sensation. “I am immensely proud of you, Jacob, for admitting your mistakes and flaws. You have many, as do I, but it takes considerably less time for you to come to a conclusion about everything. It is a sign of how much you have grown.”

Jake only smiles in answer and this time the happiness reaches his clear eyes.

* * *

Raymond is left alone within the confinements of the hospital with his thoughts when his husband leaves with a brief smile. His gaze falls upon Kevin's back as the white doors of his room close behind him. The following silence is louder than his thoughts.

This was the first time Kevin had visited him during his stay in the hospital while he was awake. The last time Raymond sat face to face with his husband was the night he got admitted to the hospital; a week has passed since then.

Raymond knows his husband is avoiding him. He is just confused by the lack of reason; to his knowledge, Kevin has never wished to distance himself from Ray before.

As Holt lies in the hospital bed and calculates his next plan of action, the silence in the room is disturbed by the ringing of his phone. The screen flashes Peralta's name for a moment before Raymond decides to answer.

“Good evening, detective,” he greets.

“ _Hey, Captain! Amy and I are going to visit, thought I'd tell you.”_

Raymond thinks about the possible outcomes of this call. “I was planning to leave the hospital tonight.”

There's silence on the other end for a brief moment of hesitation. _“Did they let you go? – Wow, that sounds like you're in jail. Sorry. Can you actually go home?”_

“I asked for the permission this morning, yes. Perhaps you and detective Santiago could provide transport since you were going to the hospital.”

“ _What about Kevin? Did you tell him you're coming back?”_

“No, Jacob, I did not. I thought it could be a surprise.”

“ _Noice. Be there in ten.”_

“Thank you, detective.”

Before Raymond is able to end the call, however, Peralta quickly adds, _“Forgot to mention that Rosa and Charles are with us. Bye!”_ And, faster than Holt can react, there's silence on the other end.

An almost inaudible sigh is the only sound in answer to Jake's words when Raymond decides to begin packing.

* * *

Santiago was very understanding when offering the front seat of Peralta's car and Raymond is grateful for not being crammed in the back as she is right now. They drive through the bright streets of Brooklyn, stars hidden underneath the dark clouds. It seems as if it may rain.

Raymond mutes out the constant chatter from Boyle and Peralta and feels weary as never before. He only wishes to be with his husband once again, safe and comfortable within the walls of their home.

“So, what's with the sudden wish to get out of the hospital?” Jake asks him. “Didn't think you've recovered yet.”

“I don't need to fully regain my strength to be discharged,” Holt answers, turning his gaze away from the view behind the windows. “I will have to do physical therapy for my shoulder to complete my recovery, but it isn't done in the hospital.”

“Sir, with all due respect, you made the decision to leave _today_ ,” Amy says behind him. “I believe it may have been affected by Kevin's visit.”

Charles snorts beside her. “Yeah, right. Captain asked for permission in the _morning,_ Amy. Kevin visited an hour ago. _”_

Santiago rolls her eyes and Raymond decides to end the conversation. “My personal life does not concern you, detectives.”

“Alright, we're changing the subject, guys! _”_ Jake exclaims as they stop at a red light. “How's the shoulder – ?”

“It's the lack of Kevin's visits,” Rosa interrupts and it seems to Raymond as if he might not be ready to come back home. “You never once saw him visit you, sir.”

“He usually visits during the hours when you're asleep so it must be bothering you,” Santiago adds.

Charles nods in agreement. “Except for today.”

Raymond thinks in silence for a while and feels their gazes at the back of his head. “The nurse informed me that they have decided to minimize the dosage of _Oxycodone_ which may explain my inability to sleep for as long as before. Kevin was... surprised to see me awake.”

“Why would he avoid you?” Jake asks. “I thought he'd want to see you more than ever.”

“I am keen to investigate this matter further myself.”

His words are followed by silence and mute thoughts as they arrive at his and Kevin's home. He hesitates to leave the car and the brief pause between actions is noticed by his squad.

“Don't worry, sir, Kevin may just be affected by the whole situation,” Peralta comforts. “You'll be fine, I know it.”

“We're certain it's temporary,” Amy adds and Raymond nods in answer. “So go and be with your husband, sir.”

Raymond smiles. “Thank you, detectives.”

Charles gently pats his shoulder and Ray opens the door of the car.

He hopes they are right.

* * *

Holt raises his hand and knocks gently on the front door. There's rustling inside for a moment and he hears Cheddar barking until the dim light of the corridor falls upon Raymond's face.

“Hello Kevin, it's me, Raymond Holt,” he says in answer to his husband's puzzled expression.

Kevin's eyes have slightly widened, the corner of his mouth is raised as he let's him into the house. The dark circles underneath his eyes have not disappeared since the last time Raymond saw him but the slight brightness amidst gray brings serenity. Although Kevin seems as if he wishes to say something, Raymond only steps towards him until his back is against the door and wraps his arms around him.

His fingers once again slip through Kevin's hair as he hears his sigh next to his ear. Raymond only holds his husband and lets himself be surrounded by his familiar scent, never mind the dull sensation in his shoulder.

They hold each other and Raymond is glad to feel his husband's heartbeat.

Cheddar begins whining behind them as he lies beside Raymond's bag. Kevin shouldn't have spoiled him so much.

“He's missed you,” Kevin says and his breath is hot on Raymond's skin.

Kevin lifts his head to gaze into his eyes, disheveled hair slipping out of Raymond's grasp. He seems as if he'd like to comment about the fact that it's two in the morning or that his husband should be at the hospital. His expression says that Raymond is being reckless and not careful but there's only a lift of the corners of his mouth as his hand touches his husband's cheek.

“Welcome back, Raymond Jacob Holt.”

And with that, Kevin finally kisses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a short chapter but the next one is going to be even longer than the first :d


	3. Dawn

 

_Two weeks later_

The clock on their bedside table flashes 2:32 three times before Raymond is completely awake. His shoulder aches in discomfort as he tries to stretch his numb arm; he now realizes that the pain relieving medicine has been left in the living room.

How irrational of him.

His arm automatically reaches for his husband but there are only cool sheets underneath his fingers as he rolls onto his side. From what Raymond can deduce, Kevin has been gone for 27 minutes. There's only silence in the room as he feels his heartbeat grow erratic.

White hot pain shoots through him as he grabs his handgun from the drawer beside the bed; he sits mutely, with gritted teeth as breath is knocked out of him. As adrenaline finally kicks in, Raymond loads the pistol and leaves the bedroom not bothering with a dressing gown.

Cheddar is nowhere to be seen, as well, as Raymond silently walks through the house. His shoulder still aches with any movement and adds to Holt's inability to think straight.

There's a silhouette of his husband, sitting at the dining table of their living room. Moonlight reflects from his blank gaze as his hand stirs a cup of tea. Raymond has seen him as shaken only once before.

His husband turns his head at the sound of Raymond descending down the stairs; his expression becomes tainted with disapproval when he notices the gun.

“Kevin?”

Raymond sounds strange to his own ears, his voice almost echoes within the spacious dining room. Kevin continues staring at his tea, the blank expression returning.

“You know the rules, Raymond,” his husband says. “No guns in clear sight.”

Holt stands still and doesn't understand. The ache is dull at the moment, his mind focused on his husband's shaking hand.

“You were gone from our bed.” He unloads his pistol and steps towards Kevin. “I thought your life may be in danger.”

“So I can't go anywhere without you knowing now?”

“That was never implied in my words,” he answers and pulls out a chair besides his husband. “Why are you here in the middle of the night? It is unlike you, Kevin.”

“Well, running down the stairs with a gun is unlike _you_ , Raymond,” he answers, a change in his tone changing his demeanor. “I am fine,” he adds after a pause.

“Do not _lie_ to me,” Raymond almost snaps at him, the pain in his shoulder only adds fuel to the fire.

Kevin has been distant since Raymond got shot; he avoids any talks about the subject, refuses to look at his wound. Raymond would not be as hurt and confused if Kevin wouldn't avoid expressing his thoughts on the matter.

Even during his stay at the hospital Raymond noticed Kevin's absence; his husband visited him only when he was asleep. He avoided direct contact until Holt could take it no more and left the hospital – only for his husband to be cold and distant in their own home.

Perhaps him getting shot wasn't the problem. Perhaps Kevin hasn't changed his mind about saving their marriage. Perhaps he wants a divorce.

He doesn't voice his thoughts.

Raymond rises from his chair and without turning back walks to the kitchen. His medicine is left on the counter, Cheddar sleeping below it. He pops the cap open and swallows two pills dry, never changing his expression.

“I hope you will consider having a conversation with me,” Raymond says and leaves, the gun cold in his grasp.

Kevin remains seated on his favorite chair of the dining room.

* * *

The door door does not creek when Kevin slightly pushes it, as they always lubricate the hinges. Raymond doesn't seem to have heard him; the sound of his breathing is irregular, however. His husband lies on his side, against his own rules and discipline.

Oh, Kevin knows that the only time Raymond changes his sleeping position is when he is depressed and wishes for his husband to comfort him. He feels a deep stab in his chest at the thought of being the one to hurt his Raymond.

The mattress dips as Kevin gently sits down on the bed, careful not to disrupt the order of the sheets. He hesitates for a while before he lies fully beside Raymond, his body pressed to his back. His arm slips underneath his husband's, covers his chest and Kevin is relieved to feel heartbeat under his fingertips.

He hears Raymond sigh after a moment, his hand entwining with Kevin's in a rather soft manner. They lay in silence as Kevin listens to his husband's breathing, lips resting on the tender skin of his neck.

“I had a dream about us,” Kevin says, closing his eyes. He tries to focus on the last remaining pieces of the images as they leave his mind with every passing minute. “I was drowning... water was all I could see.”

_Wave after wave of freezing liquid laps over, and over, and over his franticly reaching hand. His body feels heavy and light at the same time, weary, too weary to push upwards and fight for a breath of life._

_Unknown fills his heart, water washes his lungs. But Kevin still finds himself fighting for a breath, gritting teeth against the stream, fists clenching, eyes wide with trying. For the last time his body twitches in an attempt to reach for the infinity beyond the blue line above him. His hope to see the sky again is gone within a moment._

His eyes begin stinging after a moment, the familiar ache at the back of his throat is stealing away his ability to speak. Raymond never turns to look at him, but his hand touches Kevin's face, his lips gentle against his hand.

Kevin wishes he could erase the memory of the dream completely from his mind, but the images come back clear.

“You were there,” Kevin continues. “I thought you were drowning, as well, somewhere in the distance... I couldn't reach you.”

_There, within a mere reach of a hand, floats a lifeless body. Surrounded by the darkness of the ocean, it has long lost the battle against the unstoppable force of nature, with emotionless eyes staring at him from afar._

_Blood is all Kevin can see._

_The letters on his bullet proof vest shine neon before his eyes, the golden badge and stars dull underneath the pale light. Blood is soaking his chest, seeping into the clear water of the ocean and reaching Kevin's fingertips. His husband's face is drained of any color, turned into ashes which could never fit him as well as the lively glow of his skin. Brown eyes that once brought light into his life are nothing but a bottomless void; gone are the galaxies, the reflection of his soul. His mouth is agape, letting the water flood his body, take away the remains of his essence, and Kevin wishes he could scream._

_But Kevin wishes he could reach for his hand so they could perish together more._

_The water has already filled Kevin's open mouth, the taste of salt lingering in his throat. He never closes his eyes, even when his empty lungs are crushed under the pressure and his life leaves him with every moment. He only looks at Raymond's hands, gold glimmering amidst the crimson water._

_As his sight darkens, Kevin tries to reach for his husband one final time._

_He never does._

Kevin doesn't cry as Raymond's warmth, scent and heartbeat surround him and his thoughts. His husband never says anything about Kevin's fingers griping at his shirt in desperation. He never mentions his breathing growing erratic. Raymond only listens.

“I woke up in cold sweat and couldn't breathe,” he says, hand sliding towards his husband's shoulder, where stitches are hard against his touch. “I felt paralyzed momentarily, but you were there beside me.”

Kevin remembers the relief that filled him as he saw Raymond's form illuminated by the moonlight.

Neither of them talk for a while. Raymond kisses his hand, holds it against his chest. Kevin feels weariness begin setting in as his eyes ache and his breathing slows.

“I was never angry with you for avoiding me, Kevin,” Raymond says, his voice silent. “I only wanted to know the reason why you would do such a thing.”

“I am afraid of losing you,” Kevin admits, at last. “When I was watching the doctors try to revive you, I understood that I wouldn't know how to life if you died.”

“I understand.” Raymond turns his head slightly and looks into his husband's eyes. “I understand that your wish to avoid me is a way to distance yourself from the memories, as well, but you should know that I was ready to die for _you_. Nothing is as important as my love for you, not even my life. I do not want you to be afraid of losing me.”

Kevin draws circles on his husband's chest as he turns away and closes his eyes.

He understands that they will need time for the psychological and physical damage to be reversed. A single conversation could never diminish their fears, but the heavy feeling is lifted from Kevin's mind and soul as he holds his dear husband to his chest. Perhaps their future is not as dim as he has thought.

Raymond's breathing grows regular, heartbeat steady and strong. Kevin indulges himself for a moment and slides his hand underneath his husband's shirt. He feels Raymond shiver against him, eyes still closed as Kevin's fingers trace the wound on his shoulder. The skin is tender and soft, the stitches hard against his touch. Kevin wishes the pain his husband is in away and presses a kiss on his neck.

A few moments later Kevin closes his weary eyes and sighs as tranquility takes over his mind. “I love you, Raymond.”

The last thing he feels as he falls into a deep sleep is his husband's smile.

* * *

“Good morning, Raymond,” his husband says, holding his hand. “How are you feeling?”

Raymond smiles and is truly happy for the first time after so many months.

“There is only a dull stinging from the sleeping position,” Raymond answers and sighs as Kevin rises from the bed. “Where are you going?”

“I'm going to take a shower and meet you downstairs for breakfast.” Kevin presses a kiss to his forehead. “How does a plate of plain scones sound?”

“Perfect, Kevin.”

Raymond lies on the bed with his arm across his eyes as Kevin leaves him alone. He takes some painkillers, his shoulder burning in answer to his sudden movement when he rolled over. The distant sound of water dripping onto the tiles of the shower lulls Raymond to sleep. His eyes close as the drugs begin affecting his mind, his thoughts disappear under the haze of it.

He never does manage to fall asleep completely during day-time and now hears Kevin's soft footsteps as he descends down the stairs. Raymond's consciousness is scattered around as his mind jumps through reality and dreams but his husband is still in his thoughts.

“Raymond,” he hears Kevin say, shaking his shoulder. “Is everything alright? It is unlike you to fall asleep minutes within waking up.”

His eyes open and Kevin's face hovers above his – his husband is already dressed in his teaching clothes and Raymond (as he always does) notices how the blue of his sweater vest brings out the softness in his eyes.

“It is the effect of the medicine,” he answers, slowly rising from his sleeping position. “I may have taken a higher dosage than usual.”

A strange expression appears on his husband's face as he helps Raymond from their bed, his hand cold even through the layer of pajamas on his back.

“You know the risk you are taking,” Kevin only says, as if to avoid any conflict. “The breakfast is ready. If you will excuse me.”

Raymond is left standing in the middle of their bedroom, bewilderment on his face shining clearly (well, not _that_ clearly). Kevin is once again becoming distant instead of confronting Raymond about what he thinks is a dangerous approach to medicine. They are back at step one and Holt is once again weary, even if not in pain.

Today is the awards ceremony and Captain Holt is being given a medal for saving his own husband and ( _hypothetically,_ Raymond adds in his mind) his team members despite the imminent danger to his life. Raymond isn't sure if he deserves it, especially if Kevin is not going to be there.

Kevin has told him he would work today and that he's sorry for not attending the ceremony. Raymond tries not to feel disappointed.

The black police uniform seems lifeless in the closet as Raymond carefully pins his medals. What is the point of the whole ceremony if his husband isn't going to be there? He should do it for his team, at least.

When Raymond finally steps down the stairs, the bottle of pills cold in the pocket of his police uniform, Kevin greets him with an offered cup of coffee, his brown bag in his hand. His husband leaves shortly after with nothing but a simple goodbye.

Raymond sits at the dining table and eats the plain scones alone.

* * *

There's a slight hesitation in his movements as Raymond reaches for the button of the elevator. Going back to the 99th precinct after almost a month is strange psychologically; he has grown unaccustomed to the whole procedure of going to work. Holt takes a breath and presses the button.

The door of the elevator opens with the familiar sound and Raymond Holt smiles lightly.

“Captain!” Peralta greets him, dressed in his formal police uniform. Jake embraces him before Holt can even reach their desks and mumbles softly against his ear, “I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I've missed you more than you could imagine.”

Raymond doesn't know what to do with his hands as Peralta clings onto him but before he can decide Santiago is there, as well. He looks around and sees gold and black balloons on the walls; he suspects there may be some inappropriate changes to his office, as well.

“I am... glad to be back, detectives,” Raymond says and clears his throat to signal his discomfort. “Could you...?”

“Well, well, well, if it isn't _the_ Captain Raymond Holt who actually beat up death.”

Raymond turns to see Gina leaning against her desk as Diaz keeps her company. Before Holt knows what is happening, he is being embraced by his squad from all sides and feels as if he's going to suffocate.

Nevertheless, he feels... at peace.

“Good morning, squad,” he says as they finally manage to let go of him. “I am officially back to work.”

Holt listens to the cheers and clapping for a few moments before Linetti shoots a confetti cannon and almost scares Scully into another heart-attack.

“ _Yeah_ , we see that, Captain, but there is a far more serious dilemma on our hands right now,” she says. “What was the last thing you saw before actually dying?”

“Now is not the time Gina,” Terry interrupts. “Let's just enjoy the moment.”

Holt thinks about it as Linetti rolls her eyes and decides to answer, “Nothing, unfortunately. Perhaps I am not as enlightened as you to have met God.”

A smile reaches his eyes as his squad laughs and Raymond forgets for a moment that Kevin isn't here with him.

* * *

Captain Raymond Holt pulls on his white gloves and straightens his tie before the mirror. He has five minutes before his name is announced on the stage and he has the honor to be awarded for his bravery.

Kevin isn't there with him. Raymond knows he should not be as affected by his husband's absence as he is right know. Kevin has avoided any police-related celebrations and ceremonies like the plague ever since they have met. Raymond understands how difficult it must have been for him to notice the looks of hatred and disrespect directed towards him during all those years, but this ceremony should have been special for them.

The medal was given to him not for simply saving a civilian and almost dying as a consequence. Raymond Holt risked his life so his _husband_ would not be injured. And still, Kevin Cozner is not here beside him.

His steps are heavy as he walks towards the stage, the sound of clapping ringing in his ears. His face is unreadable as he shakes hands with the commissioner of the NYPD, his hands firm and never shaking. Raymond looks around as they introduce the other honored officers and his squad waves at him enthusiastically.

Charles points behind his back with a grin and Raymond lifts his gaze towards the back of the auditorium. Kevin's ginger hair and a hazel suit are unmistakable amidst the crowd of officers as he looks at him thoroughly.

They call out his name and the commissioner places a medal upon his neck, congratulating him with a grip on his shoulder. Raymond mutes out the cheering as he notices the smile on his husband's face, even if they are standing approximately 89 feet apart from each other.

Raymond gives his regards to the other officers after the photos are taken and politely excuses himself. The squad congratulates him, as well, and they share a few compulsory (as Charles put it) embraces before he can leave them with a promise of a prolonged celebration at the bar and reach for his husband.

Kevin holds a glass of champagne in his hand and Raymond is surprised to witness him consume alcohol in such a setting.

“Kevin, I thought you would be at work,” Raymond says and before Kevin can answer he adds, “I am glad you are here with me.”

A smile once again lingers on his husband's face and Raymond finds himself reaching for his hand.

“I love you, as well. I thought you may want to hear it.” Raymond's voice never grows more silent as police officers walk past and surround them from every side. “I am sorry for not listening to you earlier.”

Kevin almost snorts at him and Raymond doesn't have to wonder why he fell in love with him. “I love you, Raymond. I am the one who should apologize for not following your order to stay in the safe house and the precinct, after.”

“You are not one of my detectives, Kevin, you are not supposed to follow my orders,” Raymond says, gripping his husband's hand a bit tighter. “I disregarded your feelings of isolation during the months spent at the safe house with Peralta. It is no wonder you wanted to leave so desperately.”

“Yes, that was rather unsympathetic of you, Raymond.” Kevin grips his hand in answer. “I was as stubborn and childish as I am right now. I should not have avoided you and denied my feelings.”

Raymond sighs lightly. “I did not understand your fear of losing me as much as I thought I have, especially since I almost lost _you_.”

“It's alright, Ray.” His fingers straightening Raymond's already immaculate tie, Kevin say softly against his ear, “you look astonishing.”

Raymond squeezes his hand and smiles.

* * *

“A toast, if you may, Captain.” Kevin smiles when Jake hands his husband a glass of water with a grin. “Sorry, alcohol is for healthy grown-ups!”

“I saw you bleed from your nose while eating a sandwich made of animal shaped gelatin pieces.”

“That's where you're wrong, Ray, since it was a pizza,” Jake argues and once again screams, “a toast!”

The squad joins in and Kevin raises his glass of whiskey as Raymond looks at him with exasperation on his face. The slight brightness in his husband's brown eyes takes away Kevin's attention as their hands entwine.

“Thank you all for gathering here,” Holt begins (even though he was not the one to invite). “I am very proud of all of you and your abilities as detectives and assistants. However, I have never been as proud when witnessing your team-work and relationship throughout my years with you. I am not afraid to admit that you have become like a family to me.”

“Awwww, sir,” Amy mumbles as she leans on Peralta's shoulder. Kevin notices the tears on Terry's face and the slight smile on Rosa's.

“I am thankful for being able to see all of you again as much as I am grateful to live the rest of my life with my husband. I hope neither of those things will ever change.” Kevin notices the slight waver of his voice as he pauses and takes a breath. “To the nine-nine!” he adds and squeezes his husband's hand.

“To the nine-nine!” the team echoes and downs their drinks.

Jake comes to stand and grabs his husband's shoulder (gently, Kevin notices) and grins with what seems tears in his eyes.

“We love you, Captain,” he says and raises his glass once again. “But we all know we're not here to celebrate our relationships.”

Kevin feels his eyebrow rise at his words.

“We're here to drink for the magnificent, John McClane's worthy tackle of Murphy to the ground!”

_Ah, here it is_.

Kevin watches Raymond laugh as the squad cheers and the sound of glasses clinking against each other reaches his ears.

“I must admit the throat punch was quite more spectacular,” Raymond says. “I am glad to have witnessed it.”

A smile finds a way on both of their faces and Kevin's glass clinks against his husband's. “Let's have a drink to Raymond, the one who taught me the importance of surprised and the one who saved our lives.”

“To Raymond!”

* * *

Jake is already drunk when Kevin gently drags him away from the crowd and Amy's side. He told Raymond he was going to the restroom but it may have seen suspicious to take Peralta with him. Kevin is too intoxicated to think straight about his husband and his detective skills.

When Kevin manages to stumble out of the bar with Jake behind him, he is surprised by how much colder it has grown. He shivers as the chilly wind of March hits his face but the alcohol in his system blocks out the true feeling of freezing joints.

“What's wrong, Kev?” Jake asks and leans again a wall.

“I have decided to ask for advise from you,” Kevin says and is glad that he isn't stumbling over his words. “I want to marry Raymond.”

“Whaaat? I thought you were married?!”

Kevin lets out a frustrated sigh. “I am... married to Raymond. I want to renew our... what are they called again?”

“Vows?”

“Thank you, Jacob.” He smiles when Jake grabs his shoulder. “I don't know how to propose and Ray told me _everything_ about your proposal to Amy.”

“I can't believe you're asking me to help you! Wait? He did?”

A scoff is the only answer. “He couldn't stop grumbling about it for a _week_ because of that stupid Halloween bet. He even told me one of you has decided to kidnap Cheddar.”

“Yeah, t'was Ames.” Peralta laughs at the memory. “Sorry, by the way. Never knew he's so protective of the dog. Understood only when he told us he'd newww – neuter... us.”

Laughter fills the empty alley behind the bar and the night doesn't seem as dark. They stand there for a few moments as Kevin enjoys a breath of fresh air and Peralta almost cries on his shoulder. _Alcohol makes him_ very _sensitive,_ Kevin muses.

“I will, Kev. I'll help you marry Captain dad so you can be happy together.”

His mind _does_ concentrate on that single word, but Kevin only helps Jake stand straighter and says “thank you.”

* * *

The other side of their bed is empty when Kevin opens his sore eyes. He finds a glass of water and two pills of aspirin on the bedside table as his fingers search for his watch. A part of his brain, right behind his eyes, hurts as if he was hit by Jeffords with a baseball bat. How could he let himself get this intoxicated?

The smell of breakfast reaches him through the fog that his brain is at the moment and Kevin is reassured about his husband's whereabouts. He opens his eyes once again as the door of their bedroom opens; Raymond carries a tray in his hands and is wearing Kevin's favorite apron. He looks impossibly great.

“How is your head?” Raymond asks as he lays the tray on the bed. “Why have you not taken the aspirin yet?”

Kevin sits up against the headboard and Raymond sits on the edge of the mattress. “I was about to, Raymond, thank you for your concern.”

The plain toast on the immaculately clean plane has never looked so appealing before. “It's perfect,” Kevin voices, swallowing a bite. “Why don't you come closer?”

“I am fully clothed, Kevin. That would be inappropriate.”

“We can take care of that,” he answers and puts his tray aside. “I want to hold you.”

Raymond sighs as his husband sits behind him and wraps his arms around his waist. “I... will be late for work.”

“Oh, the detectives will understand. Especially Peralta.”

Holt smiles and Kevin lays his head on his husband's back, closing his eyes as the headache grows stronger.

* * *

“So, Kev, how do you wanna to do this thing?”

Jake leans back in his chair and points at Kevin with his pen as a sudden thought strikes him.

“No fireworks, Jacob,” Kevin says before he can begin.

His snort causes Cozner to take a deep, relaxing breath. “That's not what I was going to say. How about – ”

“You didn't let me finish,” Kevin interrupts once again (how very impolite of him) and reads from his list. “No carriages, bands, orchestras, intricate games, police cars, singing, painting, guns or dancing. And no Jake Peralta, for that matter.”

Jake throws away his whole notebook. “Guess we're back to square one. Any ideas?”

“I would like to gift Raymond a watch with inscription on the inside.”

“Nice, nice... what else?”

Kevin hasn't thought about much more than that. “I don't actually... know.”

Jake runs a hand through his hair and Kevin feels desperate to end this as quickly as possible. “Cool, cool, cool... Cool. It's not going as well as I thought.”

“Perhaps we should call Gina?”

Jake pulls out his phone and dials for Linetti as quickly as humanly possible. “Hey, Gina! I have a kinda weird question for you – how would you propose to someone if you were boring and didn't want it to be great?”

The hardened gaze that Kevin sends towards Peralta doesn't seem to affect him as much as he hoped it would.

“We're in my flat. Ok, thanks. Love ya!” Jake smiles at him and drops his phone. “Gina wanted me to tell you that she's insulted and that she's on her way here.”

Linetti arrives twenty minutes later with a bottle of wine and Amy in tow.

* * *

When Kevin comes through the doors of their dining room, his bag dangling between his fingers, he is greeted by his husband's silhouette. Raymond sits on the dark couch, a book lies forgotten in his lap as he intensely gazes at the bottle of pills in his hand.

“Raymond,” Kevin greets, lowering his bag on the ground as concern begins rising in his mind.

There are obvious signs of pain in his husband's demeanor; the slightly clenched jaw, the tension in his shoulders as Raymond struggles to sit straight. His dark eyes rise as he acknowledges Kevin's presence but he stays silent.

“Ray,” Kevin repeats and finds himself approaching the sofa. “Should I call your doctor?”

At his husband's shake of the head Kevin sits beside him and takes the book away from his lap. Raymond stays silent for a while as Kevin takes his hand and looks him in the eyes.

“The medicine does not seem to work,” he says, at last. “I did not want to use a higher dosage than prescribed.”

Kevin almost smiles at his words. “I've read a quite interesting article about distraction therapy last month,” he says and rises from the couch to reach for the vinyl record player. “It suggests that music may have a positive effect on a person in pain, as does communicating with someone and logical tasks.”

Kevin takes his time going through their record collection. His eyes land on the blue cover of Heino Eller's symphonic poems and Kevin briefly wonders if they have listened to it over the past two years. He gently lets the record play and chooses _Dawn_ , one of Ray's favorites.

As Kevin returns to his husband, Raymond's eyes stay on him the entire time. “Thank you,” he says, taking Kevin's hand. “I greatly appreciate your effort.”

Quite spontaneously, Kevin ushers his husband to lie down on the sofa and without a second thought lies beside him. Careful of his husband's shoulder, Kevin stays on his side and lays his head on one of the decorative pillows as Raymond stays still on his back. It's uncomfortable and completely ludicrous but Kevin feels serenity surround him as music reaches both of their ears.

After a while of resting in silence, Raymond's fingers are in his husband's auburn hair, running softly through them, and Kevin is almost lulled to sleep.

“I find myself unable to sleep,” Ray confesses, his hand ceasing its movements. “Could you tell me about your research?”

_Ah._ It seems Raymond has begun breaking the rules of their household. Perhaps Kevin is able to make an exception this time.

“I have significantly advanced it during the two weeks. I... have missed the work. It is rather relaxing.”

Raymond stays silent, a sign for his husband to continue. Kevin speaks softly, his voice flowing underneath the notes of the playing record. His hand lies gently on Ray's wounded shoulder, drawing light circles as his husband closes his eyes, at last, the tension gradually dissolving from his body.

Kevin has never made it a habit to observe his husband while he's asleep but the weeks after the incident encouraged him to do just that. Raymond's face isn't as pale as it was in the hospital; the skin is soft, smooth and warm underneath Kevin's fingertips. Even in pain his Ray is an image of strength and Kevin has never felt more in love than in this very moment.

The professor never has to wonder about the sudden urge to renew their wedding vows. 

As he presses a soft kiss to his husband's temple, Kevin is content and immensely glad he has found his the love of his life, his soulmate.

* * *

_Their kitchen is perfectly minimalistic underneath the pale moonlight. Kevin's fingers do not shake as he gazes at the single bullet in the palm of his hand. He calculates the possible outcomes of their gamble and loads Raymond's pistol, his finger touching the trigger._

_He knows what he has to do._

“ _Kevin,” he hears his husband call from the dining room. “I am waiting.”_

_His steps are certain in the darkness of their house, his grip is tight as he pulls back a chair for himself. Raymond sits before him, at the other end of the table; it has always been his favorite seat._

_The paleness of Raymond's skin stands out against the blackness of his suit; even the shirt is unusually dark. His tie is secured over his eyes. Kevin never feels the uncertainty in his heart, even when his gaze falls upon the blood seeping from underneath the cloth of Raymond's tie._

_Kevin is here for a reason._

“ _It is your turn, Kevin,” he hears his husband say, but even as his lips move no sound leaves them. “You cannot miss it.” Perhaps Kevin is imagining things._

_Kevin doesn't hesitate to cock the gun and put it against his temple; the coldness of the barrel doesn't reach him through the fog that his mind is. It is so very simple._

“ _It is your turn,” Raymond repeats over and over, until the blood from his face begins dripping onto their wooden floor._

_At last, Kevin feels his hands begin trembling. “It is my turn.”_

_He hesitates to pull the trigger and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, Kevin finds himself gazing at his husband's tie, which has turned white; blood is still seeping through it and Kevin is uncertain of what he is supposed to do._

“ _I have been shot,” Raymond says but his lips do not move. “I have been shot... You have to be shot, as well, Kevin. It has to be fair.”_

_Kevin finds himself tied to a chair, his gun in his husband's hands. Raymond is so very near him, he only needs to inch his head forward and their foreheads would be touching. His husband's eyes are closed, the tie gone and Kevin doesn't wish to be near him._

“ _I died saving you,” Raymond says, his breath cold against Kevin's cheek. “You killed me. It has to be fair, Kevin. It has to be fair.”_

_Raymond repeats the words over and over again until Kevin wishes he could scream. His eyes close automatically as his husband points the pistol at his temple, his other hand cold on his neck._

_A gunshot takes away his hearing._

_From then, Kevin doesn't feel anything, only his husband's breathing._

“ _It has to be fair,” Raymond repeats and Kevin hears him, his voice distorted to his ears. “It has to be fair, my darling Kevin.”_

_When Kevin opens his eyes once again, his hands trembling behind him, he is forced to gaze at his husband's completely lifeless, white eyes, tears of crimson streaming from them painfully slowly, coloring the floor a dark red._

_Kevin doesn't manage to say a single thing, his heart racing at the sight of his dead husband._

_Raymond kisses him._

_It's soft and gentle and reminds Kevin of their first days in a romantic relationship. Kevin gasps as Raymond sinks his teeth into his lower lip and suddenly all Kevin feels is his husband's lifeless hand griping his hair and all he tastes is blood, streaming down Raymond's face, staining his lips, taking his life –_

Kevin wakes up with a jerk and finds himself covered in cold sweat and shivering in the middle of the night. It takes a while for him to realize he isn't in the kitchen, tied to one of the chairs and that there's no blood for him to taste. 

It was a dream.

His senses return eventually, his heartbeat grows steady, as does his frantic breathing. He notices the fingers running along his spine slowly and feels his husband's other hand combing through his hair. Kevin's sprawled almost completely on top of Raymond, his hands fisted into his shirt. White, not black.

“Kevin,” Raymond murmurs, an unreadable expression on his face.

His fingers rise to Kevin's face and wipe away the tears. Kevin has been crying, it seems.

Raymond's eyes are dark and shining as Kevin gazes into them intently, there are no traces of the dream left in them, none of the whiteness. 

“Should we relocate to the bedroom?” Raymond asks when Kevin seems to have calmed down. “I believe it is not suitable for us to continue to lie on the sofa.”

“Thank you, Raymond,” Kevin answers; the coldness of the pistol in his palm still following him. “I think... I think a shower is in order.”

His husband's blank facial expression causes Kevin to turn his gaze away. “If you believe so.”

Kevin heads for the shower on the second floor; Raymond decides to make tea. His drenched shirt hangs on his back and uneasiness takes over Kevin as he enters the bathroom. The dampness that sends shivers down his spine reminds him of the blood, trickling from Raymond's face. 

As water washes away any reminders of the dream, Kevin stands still underneath the stream, lost in thought. His eyes follow the drain and, although Kevin wouldn't admit, he is unconsciously searching for the crimson color. He finds none but doesn't move to finish his usually efficient shower.

Raymond comes in three minutes later, with Kevin's pajamas in hands. He doesn't say anything; in silence his husband waits for him to complete the shower and dries him with a towel afterwards.

Kevin dresses himself without his Raymond interfering. His husband seems worried for a moment as their eyes lock.

Perhaps Jake, Amy and Gina would forgive him for not following their half - complete plan of proposing to his husband. Here, in their dim bathroom, Kevin takes his Raymond's hand and decides that he doesn't want to wait any longer.

“I would like to propose for us to renew our vows, Ray,” he says.

Corners of Raymond's lips shift upwards at the words. “I have no reason to deny it, my love.”

Kevin looks at their joined hands, marvels at the glimmer of their golden rings and feels content.

* * *

_July 24th, 2018_

The nightmares never do stop, even months after the incident. Kevin still wakes up during the night, shaking and with his mind paralyzed inside his body. Raymond is on a high alert mode to this day, especially as an aftermath of his own dreams.

They might never stop, their lives might remain this way until both of them are dead, underneath the cold ground. 

Kevin believes that nothing can be as it was before. Their lives have been changed without the point of return, but perhaps for the best.

They _are_ happy.

“Are you ready, Kevin?” his husband asks, taking his hand.

This is the beginning of a new part of their life together.

“Of course, Ray,” Kevin answers. “Perhaps I might even consider myself to be eager.”

Raymond smiles and Kevin does as well.

For the first time, they are _both_ happy.

_Ad astra._

They will reach for the stars together once again, their hardships behind them.

_THE END_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the last chapter, hope you liked it :)

**Author's Note:**

> My first Brooklyn 99 work! You can find me on Tumblr (@gandalfthecool) if you have any asks.


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